April 28th, 2009

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“Living Life in the Middle”

Tuesday, April 28th, 2009

I think I have to say something about my usage of the phrase, “living life in the middle.” I didn’t really realize the significance of my usage until well, I googled it and realized that I was the #2 hit only having this blog for less than 2 days. Damn, that’s some good SEO right there you’d say. But anyhow, I feel I owe a better explanation than leaving my blog virtually naked as it is. I’m currently in the process of studying for my law exams so my time at the moment is not so I can devote the full attention I want for this blog so due apologies :P .

I first heard the phrase, “living life in the middle,” from my therapist and it deals specifically with how you must define the boundaries in your life and relationships. For someone like me, who has one of the three attachments, separation-sensitive (the other two, esteem-sensitive and safety-sensitive), I’m commonly known as the “people pleaser.” And logically, the “people pleaser” will please everyone with the reoccuring problem of forgetting about themselves. They go with life, thinking “be all, love all,” taking in all kinds of behavior that most individuals would not take and loving that person no matter what. What happens, however, is that person will give, give, give, give, and give some more until they reach a point where they switch not through the middle-ground of “I think something is wrong and you’re not treating me right,” it goes straight to hate, leaving those who were receiving all that giving, wondering what just happened. So with that example, “living life in the middle” is about not jumping to those extremes back and forth, but living life, well, in the middle. Instead of being the push-over or the stubborn one, it’s best to be in the middle. Because if you’re on the extreme ends, you can be boxed in and your options drastically limited. Whereas, living life in the middle allows you great flexibility in your options. If you’re in the middle and being pushed from either side, you can simply “re-balance” yourself with still plenty of room. Life is about choices and in order to open ourselves to choices is to define our boundaries on how we interact with other people.

Before I continue, a disclaimer: I’m not a therapist, I don’t have any professional psychological training, nor do I intend to offer any kind of mental health advice. These are the insights I had gained from my own experiences in life and in therapy. Also, I do not plan on talking about this line of topic for the majority of my entries. ‘Cause if I’m living life in the middle and redefining my life, I’m rediscovering who I am and what interests me. Though admittedly, I will speak about the changes in my life I have made since and will need to make to get to where I should be.

I will write more later on why I was in therapy and how that came about.

Originally Posted Jan. 19, 2009

Tuesday, April 28th, 2009

I’ve been chasing ghosts for awhile, running away from a past — a realization that the childhood I yearned, missed, needed will never come to fruition. Instead, there is grief and a confusion of a void, a child that was never born. It’s hard to accept life that started without me and the responsibility that was put on my shoulders the day I learned to walk. I wonder about those milliseconds, those moments when it’s all about me and not about everyone else. When those moments will come when I am free of guilt — a responsibility, burden that was never mine to bear. I’ve been pushed to the brink of being broken, letting things drop and fail before me. Tarnished and ripped of my medals. One by one, I watched each fatality as a necessity to sacrifice and give myself. Not anymore. This life I begin anew with a different assertion. This time, I guard my interactions like business transactions, analyzing the give-and-take and whether it is enough. For too long, I’ve given myself and for too long, I’ve received not much. The journey to redeem my rewards, my ambitions starts today with a harsh sunlight that burns. Yet this burning light I take with joy at the first taste of personal satisfaction and fulfillment.