They say that when we end relationships, we revert to the first relationships we ever had — those with our parents. And if that relationship was beautiful and wonderful, we miss our parents dearly. And when that relationship was abusive, we begin to feel the pain and grieve from that past memory. It may be obvious what has occurred if I’m talking about relationships ending.

I ended a relationship I was in for over two years. As much as I loved that person dearly and yes, there were beautiful moments in it, there was still unlove. I’m not at a point where I want to discuss it openly, but I do think that the title is true. We do accept the love we think we deserve. And I deserved better. I knew I deserved better and yet, for some reason I could not let go. It does make me wonder if I held onto this relationship being mistreated because it was my internal fight. Because if someone mistreated me and they finally change and love me the way I should be, my parents could change.

So I ended that relationship because I wanted change. I wanted to be treated better because I deserve better. Self-esteem is not what many would think it is. It’s really how we let other ppl treat ourselves. Even though I am confident, it became painfully apparent that I do not have high self-esteem. I still suffer from the painful rationalization that I am not a good person, not worthy of anything, and yet, it’s anything from true. I’m very accomplished, accepting, and kind. Still, I carry a wound that I do not know how to fix, except with time and help.

So I end this entry, realizing I have not said much. I’m still unsure of what I feel. It’s a mixture of hope and sadness. A somber feeling of how I was treated with the knowledge I should not have been treated that way. I’m still in conflict with how someone that loved you so much, that should have loved and treated you well, could possibly mistreat and disrespect you. Is it the luck of the draw for parents? And then, is it the choices we make down the road to reinforce that forever trauma in our minds. Our child-like, fragile minds, attempting to find peace.

Yet, somber acceptance is one more step in the right direction. I know I will be a stronger person and I know I will eventually make the right choices and surround myself with the people that treat me the way I deserve.

I accept the love I think I deserve. As I make my way through this personal journey of mine, I now see hope and love that I once thought was not there.

Light and love.